I'm against it

I have a wonderful book. Actually, gentle readers, I have a great many wonderful books, but the one to which I refer specifically is entitled Whatever it is, I’m against it. It is a collection of cynicism hostility, insult, spite and nastiness arranged in alphabetical order by topic. The compiler of this collection of venom, Nat Shapiro, described his opus as “An encyclopedic compendium of classical and contemporary malevolence.”
The title comes from a song first sung by Groucho Marx in the movie Horse Feathers. He was singing about his son, played in the movie by his brother Zeppo (don’t ask, it gets way too complicated).
Within the pages of this book, one may find something vicious that somebody famous said about virtually any topic or person imaginable. I use it as reference material, and try mightily not to plagerize, although the temptation is great, considering my long-held opinion that just about every possible comnbination of words in the English language has been used already, so no matter what you say or write, somebody else probably said or wrote it before you did.
Come with me, if you will, for a little stroll down the road to misanthropy.
This book contains a great many quotations from Ambrose Bierce, a ninteenth century newspaper man who had the misfortune to live into the twentieth century, but then made a mythological character of himself by disappearing into the deserts of Mexico.
Mr. Bierce called a fork “An instrument used chiefly for putting dead animals into the mouth.” The same fellow defined a piano as, “a parlor untensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.” Mr. Bierce illuminated the honorable estate of marriage as, “ A master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.” As you can, no doubt, imagine, Mr. Bierce was not on many folk’s “A” party list.
It is understandable that numerous other newspaper writers find themselves quoted in Mr. Shapiro’s book, since newspaper men in general tend to be reasonably talented or at least practiced wordsmiths and usually have a deep seated loathing for the rest of humanity.
One such was H.L. Mencken, the great scribe of Chicago. He described an idealist as “one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will make a better soup.” On our beloved form of government, Mencken called democracy “a form of religion. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses.” A zoo, to Mencken, was “a form of idle and witless amusement compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even a state legislature in session is informing, stimulating and ennobling.” The opera, as far as Mencken is concerned, “is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.”
The great American novelist and humorist Mark Twain began his literary career in the newspaper business. He was also one of the most quotable of American literary figures. He had something witty and rancorous to say about just about everything.
A notably indolent fellow, Twain did most of his writing in bed. He said he didn’t like work, even when somebody else did it. An unrepentant cigar smoker, he is also alleged to have said, ”It is easy to quit smoking, I’ve done it a hundred times.” And how could I ignore Twain’s comment on good examples? “Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”
The book has quotes from a great many sources other than newspaper men: There’s Shakespeare, of course, and James Thurber, Martin Luther, Woody Allen, Voltaire, Thomas Jefferson, and the ever popular Anonymous, but the ones from the Bible are perhaps the most disquieting. I’ll bet you didn’t know lawyers were mentioned in scripture. No, it’s not a joke. In the eleventh chapter of Luke we read, “Woe unto ye, also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grevious to be born and ye yourselves touch not the burdens with one of your fingers.”
And don’t enjoy yourself because the Books of Proverbs tells us, “Who loves pleasure shall be a poor man.” But the Paul writes in First Timothy, “The Love of money is the root of all evil.” Confusing, isn’t it?