Open letter to a loser

When I learned of the break-in at the Hazen Schools last week, and the fact that my wife’s office in the band room was one of the rooms broken into, I was moved to write something unusually virulent in this space.
Upon sober reflection about some of the things they did while they were in the school and some of the things they stole (like a big bag of lollypops from a cabinet in my wife’s office), I have come to believe that the perpetrator(s) was or were, depending upon how many people we’re talking about, stupid kids, emphasis on the “stupid.” I doubt we’re dealing with hardened criminals here.
Normally, I try to refrain from writing negative things about young people. But since these particular young people have made the decision to act as they have, they’ll just have to deal with the consequences. One of those consequences is contained in the following paragraphs, so gentle readers, you may not find what follows to be exactly palatable.
Listen, you dead-from-the-neck-up moron! You need to get down on your knees right now and pray the police find you quick. If you were smart, which we already know you’re not, you’d get to the police station just as fast as your little legs would carry you and beg the fuzz to lock you up. There are bad people in this world, and believe it or not, you are not among them. you’re just too stupid to be running around loose. You need to be locked up for your own protection.
One of these days, you’re going to get it into your pointed little head that you are a tough customer, that you can scare people or hurt them if they don’t do what you want them to. This would be a very unfortunate thing for you to start believing because it ain’t true, bubba.
You’re just a punk of the dime-a-dozen variety. Oh, you might be able to bully somebody physically weaker than you are, but so what? Sooner or later you’ll try to pick on somebody who’s really bad, and that will be the end of your story, real fast. In fact, there was a time not that long ago when I would have enjoyed doing some very unpleasant things to you myself, just for the exercise. Fortunately for you, I don’t look for opportunities to do that sort of thing anymore. Don’t kid yourself, though. I still know how.
Do yourself a big favor and either turn yourself in to the law, or go crawl back under whatever wet rock you crawled out from, along with the rest of the insects. And understand this: you are a loser. You and everybody like you who violates the privacy and property of someone else because you are too lazy and stupid to earn things for yourself.
Without a major attitude change, you will always be a loser because you don’t even have the intelligence or industry to become a competent criminal. One of these days, you’ll commit a crime with a gun, and that will give all kinds of people who are a lot more efficient at using a gun than you are, an excuse to use a gun on you. Won’t that be fun? The thing is, sport, those bullets hurt a whole lot going in and even more coming out, and what they do in between going in and coming out is incredibly nasty.
A life of crime is for chumps, because the odds are against you from the get-go. Take a look around, bright eyes. You don’t see any old tough guys. They don’t live that long.
Okay, I got that off my chest. Just think what it would have been like if I had written something unusually virulent.